A peek into Old Ron Hubbard’s cupboard
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Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone,
When she got there
The cupboard was bare
So the poor little doggie had none.
— old English rhyme
I was taking my customary evening walk around the neighborhood yesterday, and saw all these tightly rolled wads of newsprint scattered in front of all the houses. Usually there are brightly printed coupons from the local pizzeria or laundry offering a free deal or some such nonsense, but these were different. They looked like tiny pamphlets, and they were everywhere. Overcome by curiosity, and against my better judgment, I picked one up. In cold, sober tones of blue and grey, the following headline jumped out at me:
Clear Body, Clear Mind – A Publication on the World’s Most Effective Purification Program.
You guessed it… Scientology had found its way to my doorstep.
The cover page had an avuncular old man looking out at me with a smug, yet sly half-smile. I’m guessing it was the Grand Poomba himself, L. Ron Hubbard. “Hey you”, he seemed to say “I’ve got Tom Cruise in my corner. What have you got?” I had to admit, he had me there.
I was also informed that:
- We live in a chemical oriented society.
- There is such a thing as the “drug personality.” Kurt Cobain, maybe? Did not say.
- These drugs are working their inexorable way into my fatty tissues. And God knows where else.
- At any time, these drugs can “restim” and give one an unpredictable “trip.” Yup, that joint you smoked a year back can still come back and get you high. I wish this were true.
Inside, there were more details on the purification program, called the Purification Rundown. No trace of irony there at all. The last time I checked, ‘run down’ had the following meanings: to collide with and knock down, to run against and cause to sink, or to chase to exhaustion or until captured. I wonder which one of these the good Hubbard means.
It’s all a bit disappointing, because I do agree with some of the points made by the pamphlet. There are way too many drugs being prescribed these days, driven by intense marketing campaigns and a culture of conformity. Cannot sit still in class, cannot concentrate, feeling depressed? Why, do we have just the drug for you! But in its eagerness to attack the drug culture, the pamphlet uses the same kind of fear-mongering that the drug companies use to convince you to take drugs. Except here it’s being used to convince you that you take too many drugs, and therefore need to be purified. Some examples (quoted verbatim):
• Have you felt fatigued now and then for no reason?
• Do you feel less alert than you used to?
• Do you find you feel anxious but don’t know why?
I’ve seen these exact same questions being asked by drug companies to convince you that you need their latest designer anti-depressant or pick-me-upper.
To add to the feeling of surrealism, the organization that prints these pamphlets is called “Church of Scientology Mission of Soma.” I’m guessing Soma here stands for the South of Market district of San Francisco. But you, gentle reader, also know that Soma was the name of the feel-good drug with no side-effects dispensed by the State to control its people in Aldous Huxley’s dystopian classic ‘Brave New World’. Orwell would be pleased.
Oh, good, can people next go through the crap some other religions spout. I need a refresher.
Soma actually predates Aldous Huxley by around 4000 years. It greased the happy-hours of the Vedic Indians and ancient Zoroastrians and finds mention both in the RigVeda and the Avesta, as the drink of the gods.
Another kooker from the Scientologist crowd is the whole Silent Birth thingie. Mothers screaming out in pain and shouts of “Push..Push!” by doctors and nurses are a strict no..no.
A side note, in the case of the Persians, it is referred to as Homa. The most striking example of this ’s’ to ‘h’ replacement is in Ahura - the forces of good in Persian theology vs. Asura, generally evil forces of the Vedas.
I happened to be at the Church of Scientology in San Jose last week
for a business meeting. I was first greeted by a church member who
gave me a short introduction about the “way of life”, displayed on the
hallway. By the way, they don’t call what they do as a “faith,” nor
“belief.” It’s a way of life, and it won’t conflict with any religion
because it’s not a religion. Then, at the end of the hallway, he had
me do this test. I held two metal bars which were connected to a
monitor. Then, I was told to think of something stressful to me. At
that moment, I was really at peace and could not think of anything
stressful. However, I did take a deep breath because my mind was
blank. I still could not come up something stressful. Then, the
indicator on monitor moved far to the right. The man then asked me
“what stressed you out?” I replied,” I am not really thinking of
anything.” For the fun of it, I asked him, “How about you take the
test and think of something happy. Then, the indicator should go to
the left, which represents peace and calmness.” He did but the result
was not what both of us expected it to be. Maybe the machine did not
work properly that day.
Then, during a break in the meeting, the church offered another tour
to visit their 2nd floor. I was curious, so I went. This was their
“purification center.” It looked like a gym. There was a sauna room,
some exercise equipment, and some “vitamins” on the table. These were
for physical purification. There were also many counseling rooms,
which are used for mental purification. After your physical and/or
mental purification, you go through the exam room where someone will
help exam the results. There were also areas decorated like a college,
where you can take courses, or read in the library, or work with
counselors about the areas you want to improve in your life – career,
relationship, etc.
It’s an interesting place. It’s not like the church or temple you have seen.
I think you’re being very generous. But that was a great question to ask. Good for you. I think the machine expects unconditional acceptance, and your analytical approach probably threw off its calibration.