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With all the negative press the U.S. military gets, it’s nice to see the military of another country (especially one I have a connection to) in the news for unleashing righteous violence on those who deserve it!
I figured that this story deserved a spoof - Here is my version of the same story.
American, Cutting Back, Plans $15 Pants Fee
Published: May 22, 2008
There’s an old saying about the best way to travel: bring half the clothes and twice the money.
Now may be the time to take that advice to heart and you had better not be Indian or Chinese.
American Airlines said Wednesday that it would soon start charging passengers for the clothes and shoes that they wear. $10 for cotton pants ($15 for Jeans) and $5 for Shirts ($7 for full-sleeved shirts). Additionally, American will charge $5 per shoe ($10 if they are hiking shoes) - if they are flying on a discounted fare. Asked why they charge per shoe and not for a pair of shoes, an American spokesperson said that as per the Americans with Disabilities Act, such pricing would be discriminatory.
The airline’s new policy — to take effect July15 — comes only weeks after many major carriers, including American, began charging $15 each way for checked baggage,
The new fee is just the latest example of airlines adding charges on top of rising airfares, even at the risk of angering travelers further, to make up for the billions of dollars they are losing as fuel prices soar. In an effort to reduce the weight and consequent fuel consumption, airlines continue to explore ways to reduce the weight and the clothes we wear are the latest target.
“It’s only going to get worse and worse,” said Laura Glading, president of the Association of Professional Flight Attendants, which represents employees at American. “Flight attendants are not trained to distinguish between running shoes and hiking shoes, and what if passengers decide not to wear any clothes so as not to pay the fee” said Glading?
American Airlines executives said they had little choice but to impose such fees, given that the price of jet fuel is up more than 80 percent from a year ago.
Airline industry losses could top $7.2 billion in 2008, Jamie Baker, an analyst with JPMorgan Chase, estimated this week. Airline shares were battered Wednesday, as oil surged to a record $133.17 a barrel. Stock in American’s parent company fell 24.2 percent, to $6.22 a share.
In another development, several airlines are considering charging Indians and Chinese an extra fee - because India and China are being blamed for soaring oil prices. The rise in global oil and food prices are being blamed on demand from India and China. Last week President Geroge W. Bush blamed the demand for food with higher nutrition among Indians as the reason for 9% inflation in food prices in the US.
In a surprising move American announced that for every snack purchased by a non-Indian and non-Chinese passenger, Indian and Chinese passengers on board will be assessed an extra fee.”We are looking for every opportunity to change our cost-structure and even President George Bush has said that food prices are rising because of increased demand in India and China, so it is only appropriate that we pass the price of food consumed by average Americans to the average Indian or Chinese.
“Our company and industry simply cannot afford to sit by hoping for industry and market conditions to improve,” American’s chief executive, Gerard J. Arpey, said Wednesday at a shareholder meeting.
To cut costs, the company also said Wednesday that it would eliminate toilet paper and running water from toilets. “The weight of toilet paper and water adds several hundred pounds to the gross weight of an airplane - this move is expected to save $5000 per year and increase share holder value” said Mr Arpey.
American is also considering charging access fees to toilets for discount fare passengers. Robert Harrell, an industry consultant, estimated that as many as 40 million American passengers could be subject to the new toilet access fee. American carries about 98 million travelers a year. With an average of 100 toilet access per flight, at $1 per toilet access this move could potentially net upwards of $40 million per year. “Each passenger will get a cup of water and 3 sheets of toilet paper and 5 minutes of access to the toilet” said Mr Arpey
Asked whether the Toilet paper charge will be arbitrarily passed on to fellow Indian and Chinese passengers, Mr Arpey said “No. We understand that they don’t use toilet paper in India and China, so we can’t charge them for that”
“The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.” — Mark Twain (who else?)
At the beginning of this new month, we are seeing a series of shocking, interesting, and mind-bottling [new word to you? see this movie] news from all over the world. A sampling:
Details after the jump.
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I mean, are you one of those who can’t be bothered to RIP music and then sync it with your iPod. If so, slacker is coming to your rescue 
Read more about it here
If you are ever in the city of Bangalore and if you plan on getting any sleep, get some high quality ear plugs. Even better would be to get a noise-maker, assuming can sleep to the sounds of babbling brooks or plain white noise (my preference). The city is overrun by dogs and they howl through the night. Most residents are used to this and it doesn’t bother them one whit, but woe is me on a recent trip. Despite carrying earplugs - they didn’t do the job, and turning on overhead fans at my sister’s - they were too quiet (where is the hypnotic whirr of noisy fan when you need one) I struggled with barely a few hours sleep every night.
The dogs in Bangalore are making news too, having attacked and killed a couple of children in the last few weeks. These creatures are everywhere and they are not the emaciated mongrels that I remember from my childhood. Most of these dogs are extremely well fed and a bit more aggressive than the ones that I remember.
A large number of these dogs feed on the meat discarded by the unlicensed meat shops, the rest feed on the garbage that is heaped on the side of the streets by restaurants and residents. A spaying and neutering program is, like most other projects, mismanaged and has failed to control the rapid growth in the number of these dogs on the streets.
The mauling of the kids has put the city government on the defensive. There is a law against killing healthy dogs, even stray dogs, so the ‘hunt’ is on to hold them in shelters. The process of catching these dogs is, I assume, unique to Bangalore- they use metal cables that has the dog bleeding all over by the time they are caught and dragged into the vans. These dogs are then transported to over crowded animal shelters where one can only imagine the pain and suffering inflicted on them being packed like sardines with open wounds. One wonders why they won’t choose a less gruesome method of putting down a dog.
Bangalore clearly faces a public health problem which will not go away anytime soon. While the rich will find ways to get their sleep, the poor have to find ways to keep their kids alive, for this is also a public health problem that more adversely impacts the poor. For Bangaloreans, which is aspiring to become a city of International repute, this is also a problem of how the city is perceived by its large outsourcing clientèle.
Associated Press (AP) was all in a tizzy today, wringing themselves into all kinds of yogic postures in a veritable orgy of back-slapping self-congratulation. The reason? Well, they ignored Paris Hilton for a week. Yes, they did it… those guys. This bout of self-denial was so cleansing to their soul-collective that it was worthy of a news article all on its own. Now, they’re preparing a new list of people or things to ignore and see if people notice. Some of the nominees - North Korea, Barack Obama, and Global Warming. The New Way Forward in Iraq is being considered as well.
None of those bother me, by the way. But this blatant disregard for Paris Hilton really gets my goat. I’m a consumer of news, and if I demand that every time Paris flashes her underwear, I be notified immediately, then news organizations better step up and deliver. As the wise man said - “If Paris flashes, and no one photographs it, does it make a noise?” AP has thrown down the gauntlet, and I propose to take it up. Someone has to take a stand for rich heiresses, and where better than right here on rantlust?
This is the lamest man/woman/person/thing of the year that Time magazine has ever come up with. The have named “us” or “you” as the person of the year. While not as significant as winning an Academy Award or a Nobel Peace Prize, Time’s yearly conferral of this honor holds some respect. If you make it to this level, it means you have arrived at the world stage (whether in a good or bad way). I think they ran out of people to confer this “honor” upon. Am I glad I stopped subscribing to this stupidity this year after being a loyal follower for a couple of decades.
First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. –Mohandas Gandhi
I was reminded of the above quote while reading the news on CNN this morning. Ever since I could read, it’s been a daily habit to browse the news every morning. First it was in print, and now it happens to be mostly on the Internet. I know this is a bad habit, rather like an addiction, but somehow can’t seem to kick this taste for a daily dose of disaster, man-made and otherwise, from around the world. I get my news from a variety of sources, and this includes the online websites of CNN, BBC, and the New York Times (along with a bunch of news sites from India.) Of late, every time I visit the CNN website, I’m struck with how much fluff is on the main page. Here’s a sample from today’s ‘headline’ news:
# Iran’s president rejects nuclear deal | Video
# Kelsey Grammer’s new, blue role
# Wildfire threatens famed Arizona town
# Would you give your kidney to a stranger? | Video
# Man prepares for double marathon … in a freezer
# Paralyzed pup pops a wheelie
# FDA to restaurants: Cut portion sizes
# Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie at it again
# It’s over for Cruz and McConaughey
# Lesbian Batwoman turns heads | Video
# Live News conference on killed student
I just cut-pasted it from the website (no editing). Is it just me or does it seem a tad frivolous to be reporting the shenanigans of a paralyzed pup, or the sexual orientation of comic book superheroes in your main headlines, if you claim to be a serious news organization?
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