Studs and Balls
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I have only ridden horses a few times in my life. Most of these were in my childhood. The most recent riding experience was in Shi Du in China (often mislabeled as the Guilin of the north). Fellow blogger kinnum and my wife were also present. We hired these dismal looking horses to ride for about thirty minutes.
The mounting was easy despite my short stature. With my boots ensconced in the stirrups, I awaited further instructions. There was nothing coming forth from the ancient looking Chinese woman holding the reins of my horse. I tried not to think of Superman and kept a brave face. Maybe the Er Guo Tou I had consumed before helped. (Did they have RUI — riding under influence — convictions in old times?) Soon we were off, with the horses being walked by the keepers. We took some photographs, exchanged smiles and idle chatter. The walk then turned into a trot and I felt like Kublai Khan surveying a battlefield. It was when the trot became a gallop that the comfort level dipped drastically. We galloped along… pitter-patter… pitter-patter. The hoofs went pitter and my balls went patter.
Now I understand why Clint Eastwood always had a scowl on his face in the Spaghetti Westerns. It was a grimace of pain. How do men ride horses without hurting their private parts? Do they wear protection like Cricket batsmen? I somehow can’t imagine the tough dudes of the Wild West riding around with jockstraps. Internet searches with terms like “horse, men, pain, and balls” take me to bestiality sites instead of an answer. I posed the question to a friend of mine who massages horses on weekends. It never occurred to her, she said. Apparently, women derive a certain pleasure from riding horses (especially if it’s bareback).
I felt no such pleasure and tried shouting for the horse to return to trot mode. Maybe my Mandarin wasn’t clear enough and the beast showed no intention of slowing down. I had to stand up on the stirrups for the rest of my ride to avoid serious damage to my manhood. I was a very relieved man when the riding eventually came to an end. This was two years ago. Since then, I have made trips to places renowned for their horses such as the Argentinean Pampas. But I have resisted the urge to climb on a horse again.
If there are experienced horsemen among the readers of this blog, please shed some light on this mystery. How do men ride sans discomfort? In the meantime, I’ll settle for a fine feast of horse penis and testicles with chilli dip.
What I did was massage my balls up into my pelvis, a la Sumo (for a description read “You only live twice”). After this pleasurable act, there was no problem.
Haven’t heard of any cowboys with falsettos have you?
Haven’t heard of Sumo wrestlers with falsettos, either.
Ang Lee may have a different opinion on the matter.
Hey now, I never said that woman derive pleasure from riding, especially not bareback - that can be painful for both genders depending on how bony the horse is.
I think the key for you is a pair of breeches - those super tight english riding pants; or perhaps a pair of chaps?
Why? Isn’t there enough misery in the world already?
maybe you have big balls like ac/dc sang…
I Horse back ride all the time, sometimes up to eight hours straight. The secret to not hurting your balls is to first wear biking underwear with padding (chamois)and then a jockstrap with a soft cup over the underwear.
Never wear boxers or say goodbye to sex and your balls.
The next thing you should wear is a tight pair of jeans and a pair of tight chaps that give good support to your balls. When you have all this on you look like you have a great package. The ladies love it and the ranch cowboys want to wrestle with you. You can really ride hard and even hit the saddle horn and not feel pain. It will also keep the hardon in place from the feel of the leather saddle and bumping up and down.
I have tried wearing a hard cup but not flexable enough on the saddle.
Anupcs, how could you ride without a jockstrap and tight chaps?
I don’t know if my “analogy is faulty” but it sounds the same as doing dumb things on Everest or riding a bike without a helmet.
I was immature then. I have grown up since. And thanks to RodeoCowboy, I have learned the ropes and will have my package readied up for my next ride. And then I hope to impress the ladies and the men who want to wrestle with me.
It is really to bad that men don’t have the same type of resourses for jockstraps and cups that women do for bras, etc. Women have stores that specialize in bras but men can not find jocks in most sports stores. Many sport stores hide the jocks in the corner or behind the cash.
As a cowboy we share the problems of getting the information between us on how to protect your groin area.
I will always remember the guy who came to the ranch to ride for a day with some friends. The guy was six foot 3 and had muscles on muscles. He had been body building from age fourteen. He wore these baggy jeans and I said to my self there is a problem right away. Little did I know he was wearing boxer shorts. We rode for three hours and then had lunch. There was no complaints. We had four hours ahead of us. We decided to to ride the horses fast.
The guy must of went up in the air and came down fast on the saddle and smashed his balls. All I could hear was this sound of stop stop. As we came to a stop he fell off his horse and lay of the ground holding himself. He was crying with pain. This was his weak point. He looked like he could take a direct hit to the groin and laugh at you.
I told his friend to bring down his pants and shorts and lets look at the damage. One testicle had gone up so I told him to bang his rearend on the ground to have it drop down. With much pain he did it. I got some ice cold water from the stream nearby and poured it on testicles. It help with the pain and swelling. I told him to get up and walk around. After about hour he felt well enough to get back on horse for the two hour ride back to the ranch. You could see the tears in his eyes.
I told him he should have been prepared and showed him what I wore when riding.
There are so many extreme sports now, that men need to wear jockstraps and cups to protect their manhood.
Happy trails to you!
Man, that was quite graphic. I can feel the pain just sitting here and reading it. If this doesn’t scare me off horses, then I don’t know what will
Unless of course, we come up with something called “Victor’s Secrets” for buying jocks and other manhood protectors.
Out of curiosity, where do you work as a cowboy?
I’m betting Rawhide or The Eagle.
Hey closet cowboy wrestler, why don’t you just ask him for his phone number?
You may want to swap the cowboy hat for a helmet.
“The rate of serious injury per number of riding hours is estimated to be higher for horseback riders than for motorcyclists and automobile racers.”
A helmet didn’t prevent me from breaking my clavicle (as did Matthew Broderick) during a motorcycle accident years ago.